A simple everyday way to exhale and count to 10 helps to stop the initial desire, but in the future, the unspoken can lie down with a heavy load and greatly spoil the cheerful mood. We counted to 10 and found 10 ways that will help not just keep silent, but learn to be more restrained without harming ourselves and others.
1. Develop pragmatism
To throw out aggression or, as they say, to thwart evil is certainly useful, otherwise we would not even feel like responding to what we do not like. This is normal, because everyone is living people, but is this the benefit that we ultimately strive for? Hardly. In a moral fight, we injure ourselves and those with whom we quarrel, and breaking is easier and faster than recovering. When the focus is on the main, and not momentary benefit, blaming something inappropriate will not occur. After all, courtesy and tact are quickly restored when it suddenly becomes clear to us that a loved one can be disappointed, management can be fined, and friends can be deprived of communication and mutual assistance.
2. We put off the conversation
This method is very similar to the previous one, but you need to put it off for a much longer period. Especially when the conversation is serious and the decision that you need to make will affect your entire future life. Offer a new job, the need to take sides in the conflict, a serious conversation with her husband. Do not give in to the first impulse and do not rush to put all the dots on the "i". Let your head cool and weigh the pros and cons, and only then make and voice a decision.
3. "Undress" the interlocutor
Mentally, we can give what we hear a completely different meaning - less valuable to us. In this sense, to “undress” means to remove the importance shell from the aggressor, remove it from the pedestal and “dress” it easier. A similar method works well when you are so drawn to answering a tyrant boss about his stupidity, but you know that it will cost you a job. Imagine how funny it will look on the beach in blue swimming trunks with an abdomen at the ready. Is it possible to take such a person seriously and argue with him? Let the air shake alone, and you enjoy the game of your own imagination.
4. Breathe deeper
Take a few deep breaths when you realize that the interlocutor has already brought you to a boiling point, and you are ready to break. Breathe before you start scolding your child for an uncleaned room or before telling your girlfriend new gossip. Deep breathing calms and saturates the brain with oxygen, changing the physical condition of the body. And this will help to calm down a little and think again.
5. We swap places with vis-a-vis
This method will help in communicating with children, when you really want to grab the prankster by the scruff of the neck and arrange thrashing for his antics. Imagine that it’s you, and not he just broke a flower pot and threw a stone at a neighbor’s window. Remember how your heart sank when parental anger was about to fall on your head. Perhaps after a few minutes of recollection you will want to find a different way of education than screaming and swearing.
6. Follow folk wisdom
“Bite my tongue”, “I got water in my mouth.” It is generally accepted that these expressions speak of silence in a figurative sense. Why not try to translate their direct meaning? Of course, every time grabbing a glass of water is a little strange. But here you can imperceptibly bite your own tongue. Our brain is designed so that it instantly switches to physical pain, forgetting about all other stimuli. Businessmen in negotiations sometimes use the usual stationery gum. They put it on the wrist and hide it under the cuffs. In moments when it is necessary to take a break and once again think about an important point, a person imperceptibly pulls on an elastic band that unpleasantly sticks into the skin. Thus, attention is shifted to physical sensations and no decision is made in a hurry.
7. We train endurance
Knowing the sin of self-restraint behind you, work on its elimination constantly. If you are stepped on the bus, cursed in line, cheated in the store, keep silent. Even if the temptation to put the insolent in place is too great, and a small outbreak of aggression does not harm your reputation, in no case give vent to anger. Having restrained now, you will be able to restrain even when it will be necessary. You will learn to control your emotions and your language so that he can not spread to the enemy camp.
8. Talking to ourselves
In psychology, there is such a thing as affirmation - a phrase that contains a certain formula and helps to fix the necessary in our subconscious. Remember how the heroine of Irina Muravyova repeated in front of the mirror about the most charming and attractive? So this technique also works for talkers. Choose your “mantra” and repeat it from time to time or at moments when you really want to express everything that has accumulated. For example, let it be: "I can stop in time, I can remain silent at the right time" or "I can control my words." Over time, this statement will work, and you really will learn to control yourself.
9. Analyze it
As a rule, our behavior is quite predictable. We are frustrated in very similar situations. Analyze the unpleasant moments that you already had to go through and try to understand what exactly brings you out of balance. Perhaps this is the scornful tone of the mother-in-law and all that resembles it, or some kind of insult that has been reaching for you from childhood. Be sure to find something in common and similar in all cases. Well, when you already know the “enemy” in person, dealing with it is much easier.
10. Use filters
Make it your rule to sift through everything that you are going to say. Think of at least three criteria that your message should meet. For example, words should not harm another person, secondly, you must be completely sure of their truthfulness and, thirdly, they are really necessary and will not turn out to be senseless chatter. And only after the thought passes such a triple test, turn it into speech, otherwise it can be not only meaningless, but also harmful.
Leo Tolstoy said that "people learn how to speak, and the main science is how and when to be silent." And to comprehend this science you need to start as early as possible. Not without reason, Chinese wisdom says: "Do not say if this does not change the silence for the better."
What to do if inability to remain silent spoils the relationship in a couple? Our experts advise.
Escape from loneliness
The distance is difficult to observe for those who cannot survive the frustration associated with the realization of existential loneliness.
“When an adult constantly (and frankly) talks about himself, he behaves like a child,” says Tatyana Rebeko. “Such regressive behavior is an unconscious attempt to isolate oneself from the truth that everyone sooner or later encounters: a person is essentially alone, alone in suffering and in the face of death.”
This phenomenon speaks of blurring the boundaries between the internal and the external, between the “I” and the “non-Self.” The overly frank in some sense merges with another person, perceiving him as his continuation. Therefore, in his communication there is no symbolic distance.
Olga, 30 years old, sales manager
“I know that I’m talking too much, but it seems to me that if I shut up, I’ll be in the shade and they will cease to notice me at all. Although my spontaneity, talkativeness, sociability, many do not like. Men, for example, are often annoyed, our relationship quickly begins to bore them. In order to somehow change the situation, I went to psychotherapy and really hope that I can learn a different style of communication, learn how to be interested in other people, hear what they say. ”
Blending fantasies with facts
“People who easily pass on trusting confession about themselves, in childhood, were not able to delimit their territory, build their own separate inner world,” says psychotherapist Nicole Prier. - The psychological space of the personality with its indispensable area of secrecy did not form in them. It’s still difficult for them to distinguish reality from imagination, facts from fantasies. ”
This happens if a child grew up in a dysfunctional environment, experiencing fears and not feeling safe, if he lacked communication with his parents, the family was incomplete, or, conversely, loving parents unceremoniously invaded his life, perceiving him as his continuation. Such adults could not teach the child simple silence, forcing him to tell them everything that he thinks.
Constant desire to like
Psychotherapists also explain the need to constantly and talk a lot about themselves with personality disorder, a borderline character manifestation that is close to hysteria. The goal (often unconscious) of such people is simple: to impress, to attract attention at any cost. They use the strategy of “running ahead”: to chat as much as possible in order to avoid talking about what you don’t want to talk about. Shocking statements, radical views serve as a smoke screen that hides vulnerabilities.
Psychotherapist Jane Turner explains this behavior by the desire to test for the strength of the relationship: "If, after I post everything about myself, including the worst, I will still be accepted, then I met a real friend." These adults behave like unbearable children, deliberately acting on the worst side to make sure they are loved. Behind irrepressible frankness lies the alarming question: "Do I deserve love and respect?"
Restore the boundaries of your own body
Step by step, build boundaries between yourself and others. First, try to feel where your body ends: feel the soles of the feet, the tips of the fingers, the crown of the head. Draw an imaginary line that separates and protects your "I", and do not allow anyone (including yourself) to cross it.
Explore your inner world
Take time to be quiet and alone. Listen to your thoughts and feelings, sort them out ... and keep it with you. If you keep a diary, you can write them down, but do not read to anyone! Get used to the idea that sharing everything in the world is impossible. You can become a truly adult only by learning to tolerate frustration and loneliness.
Get rid of the illusion of merger
In a love and family life, try to avoid the word "we", recognize the autonomy of the partner and your own personality. Set a clear distance in friendship and work: if everyone respects the principle of inviolability of another person’s personal space, communication will become more comfortable for everyone.
To the one who is nearby
If a loved one plunges you into confusion by excessive frankness or you just get tired of his endless stories about yourself, you should tell him about it.
Stop it correctly and clearly, explain that it’s awkward for you to listen to such things. And try to understand why he is so obsessive, what he really wants from you, what he lacks or what you miss him. Indeed, often, speaking too much and too frankly, a person makes it clear that we devote not enough time and attention to him, that he does not fully feel our sympathy.
Contact by name to arouse sympathy
Our names have many derivatives. Someone prefers to be called by his full name, someone as a diminutive, others generally prefer intricate forms that are impossible to guess unless you ask. What to do if you want to establish communication, but don’t know what form of name the interlocutor prefers.
3 reasons why we do not love ourselves
Relationships with the body, self-perception, aspirations, motivation, self-love and acceptance. All these concepts do not exist in a vacuum, a person is a social being. The opinion of other people is important to us, fashion is important, it is important to be inside the group. Fitness trainer Ksenia Korol about where dislike for her body comes from.
Take care of your reputation
The truth is that nobody wants to listen to you too much. And this does not happen at all because of general bitterness or indifference, not at all. This is just an attempt to defend against the flow of completely unnecessary information. No matter how depressing it may sound, but no one is interested in knowing everything about you, and even a little bit less than everything. Perhaps the most grateful listeners are your parents, who is ready to endure your endless monologue with the staunchness of a soldier, not considering him a sign of selfishness. On this, however, the circle of grateful listeners is limited. Everyone else needs personal space. Like you, by the way. It’s just that yours goes beyond the bounds of the reasonable, and as a result, a damaged reputation. It is unlikely that anyone would want to contact a person who perceives the world solely as their own addition.
What to do: When meeting, say, colleagues at a coffee machine in the morning, try to fit the story of a divorce, a sick child, your beloved cat, a trip to the sea, a new dress in one sentence instead of ten, free up space for others and you will see it will fill up very quickly pleasant people who, believe me, also have a story to tell.
Egocentrism borders on excessive openness - the need to talk about yourself, if there are no relatives within a radius of several kilometers who are ready to listen to you, does not disappear anywhere, which means that you sometimes have to communicate with completely strangers. The habit of constantly talking about yourself threatens, alas, not only a loss of respect in the work team (although this trouble is quite enough), but also complete defenselessness. Just think: telling endlessly about your passions, problems, achievements, you risk sharing unnecessary information with a person who does not wish you well at all.
What to do: Firstly, it is necessary to decide for what purpose you describe this or that episode of your life? Boast of? In this case, instead of an admiring audience, you have every chance of getting envious. Complain Your failures are of no interest to anyone. Each has enough of its own. Keep a personal diary, the paper, as you know, can withstand everything, so you can endlessly write down thoughts that you can’t keep within yourself.
Pay attention to others
Our inner world, compared with the world around us, is negligible regardless of how much we read, understood what experience we have behind us. What we have already learned is never enough for us - the need for constant knowledge and training is ineradicable, which means it's time to go on a great voyage. Pay attention to those around you, believe me, because your friends and colleagues will surely have something to tell you. Just imagine how many opportunities you miss, paying attention only to yourself. Anyone who is near you, for that matter, is a storehouse of useful information, entertaining stories, secrets that you have yet to reveal. Look back - it’s impossible to remain outside of society.
What to do: Learning to perceive someone else’s speech is not as easy as it might seem at first glance, especially if you are used to always being in the spotlight. Take a step to the side, and the world will open to you from a completely unexpected side. Listening to others, you will gain much more than you lose.
Learn to have fun in other areas of life.
According to psychologists, excessive talkativeness is a kind of addiction.Talking about oneself takes quite real pleasure not only from what he tells, but even from the sound of his own voice. That is, simply put, a monologue is a kind of replacement for those pleasures that you lack. Such as sex, delicious food, travel, a favorite hobby.
What to do: Pay attention to what is around you, start a novel, start writing pictures, make a film, start studying a foreign language. That is, direct your energy in a different direction, because often behind endless chatter we do not see the most important thing - ourselves.